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Hard Times at the Huskin' Bee/Transcript

Pastoral music plays. Tranquil scenes display the autumn forest. Geese honk, crickets chirp, and turkeys cluck. Wirt and Greg walk through the woods, Greg blowing raspberries.
Wirt It's almost morning. We should've found a town by now. This is the way the woodsman told us to go, right?
Greg (blows raspberry) Have you listened to anything I've been saying? For the last couple hours, I've been saying- (blowing raspberries.)
Wirt Well, that settles it. I'm gonna walk up ten feet ahead of you.
Beatrice Help!
Greg Huh?
Beatrice I'm stuck!
Greg I hear something!
Wirt It's probably nothing. (He walks over to a sign nailed to a tree.) Hey, look. "Pottsfield, one mile." A town! Let's go this way.
Greg Okay, let's go this way. (Runs in the other direction.)
Wirt Not- ugh...
Greg Hello? Hello?
Beatrice Hey, you.
Greg Who, me?
Beatrice Yeah, you.
Greg Oh, hello. (He looks in a nearby bush)
Beatrice (She is tangled in a vine. Gasps) It's you again. I'm stuck. Help me out of here, and I'll owe you a favor.
Greg Whoa! I get a wish?
Beatrice No, no. no. Not a wish. I'm not magical. I'll just do you a good turn.
Greg Can you turn me into a tiger?
Beatrice Um, no. I just said I'm not magical.
Greg It doesn't have to be a magical tiger.
Wirt Greg, stop talking to a bush.
Greg Okay. (he frees Beatrice)
Beatrice Thanks. I owe you a favor. So, um, you two are lost kids with no purpose in life, right?
Greg Uh-huh. (Wirt looks annoyed)
Beatrice How about I bring you to Adelaide of the Pasture, the Good Woman of the Woods? She could help you get home.
Greg Oh.
Wirt N-no, no. No no. No, no, no, no, no. Magic talking birds leading us to fairy godmothers in the mysterious... I'm going to Pottsfield. (He starts walking off)
Greg (to Beatrice) Yeah, we're going to Pottsfield. Come on.
Beatrice What about the favor? (They follow Wirt)
Greg I'll think of my wish later.
Beatrice Ugh.
They walk a dirt road through a pumpkin patch'.'
Greg (to Beatrice) So, let's small-talk. My name's Greg. What's yours?
Beatrice Beatrice.
Greg My brother's name is Wirt.
Beatrice Who cares? (Wirt gives her a look)
Greg And my frog's name is Wirt Jr, but that may change.
Beatrice Okay, that;s great. How about you and I ditch your brother?
Greg Mm, maybe later. So is it nice being a bird?
Beatrice Nope.
Greg Oh. Do you like waffles?
Beatrice No, waffles make me sick. I eat... m-maggots.
Greg Aah!
Beatrice What?
Greg How can you not eat waffles?! (squish) AAH!
Beatrice What?!
Greg I stepped on a pumpkin!
Wirt Aha! (They see a town down the hill) Civilization, see? Now- (squish) Huh? What the... (He has stepped on a pumpkin and shakes it off) All right. Let's rejoin society. (They walk into the town. It is deserted.) Hello? Hello? Hmm. See anybody?
Greg Noo... Oh, I see you!
Wirt Yeah, I see you too, Greg.
Beatrice Hey, not to be obnoxious, but an abandoned ghost town doesn't seem like it's gonna be that useful getting you guys home.
Wirt (irritably clears his throat) There's got to be somebody... somewhere. (He goes to a house and knocks on the door) Excuse me? Anyone here? Hello? (He opens the door. A large turkey is sleeping at a table. It raises its head and looks at Wirt.) Oh, sorry. Uh, I'm looking for a phone. (The turkey blinks) Uh, I'm sorry... (He chuckles nervously and runs away. The turkey goes back to sleep)
Beatrice Did you find anything?
Wirt No. Where's Greg? (Greg pops out of a haystack)
Greg Do you hear that?
Wirt Huh? (Singing is coming from a nearby barn. Both gasp and head over. They look in. A group of figures covered completely in pumpkins and fabric dance around a tall maypole adorned with a large painted pumpkin head. The figures sing, shuck corn, peel apples, and dance.) What the... (A pumpkin person enters the barn)
Pumpkin man Oh, pardon me there. Say, you folks ought to don your vegetables and celebrate the harvest with us.
Wirt Uh... oh! You're wearing costumes!
Pumpkin man Well, sure. Pumpkins can't move on their own... can they? (he walks off)
Wirt Ha, no. Yeah, no.
Greg Good thing I didn't take this off. (He motions to the pumpkin stuck to his foot)
Beatrice You guys find this place as creepy as I do, right?
Wirt So it's some kind of weird cult where they wear vegetable costumes and dance around a big thing. They seem nice enough.
Beatrice Okay, you're in denial. That's fine. But I'm just saying, something feels off about this place. (A pumpkin person is carving a jack-o-lantern and slowly turns its head to stare at the group)
Wirt Well, maybe I can find someone here who will give us a ride home. Greg, you stay out of trouble. Beatrice, thank you, but you can leave.
Beatrice (sighs) I can't leave. I'm honor-bound to help you since you guys helped me. That's the bluebird rules.
Wirt Uh, okay. (He walks off)
Greg Beatrice, would you care for this dance?
Beatrice No thanks. (Greg walks over to dance) No thanks, no thanks. I said no thank you!
The maypole head turns to look at them. Wirt walks over to a pumpkin girl.)
Pumpkin Girl Say, aren't you a little too... early?
Wirt What do you mean?
Pumpkin Girl I mean, it doesn't seem like you're ready to join us just yet.
Wirt Join you? Yeah, no, I'm just passing through.
Pumpkin Girl Folks don't tend to "pass through" Pottsfield.
Wirt Oh... yeah?
Pumpkin Girl Yeah. It's nice here.
Wirt Um, I'm really just looking t-to leave here as fast as possible.
Old Pumpkin Man Eh, what, what? Leave Pottsfield? Who wants to leave Pottsfield?
(Everyone stops and turns to Wirt, muttering)
Greg Oh, are we leaving already?
Beatrice Let's leave immediately. (The door shuts, and the pumpkin people form a circle around the boys)
Wirt I'm just trying to get home.
Pumpkin people (talking among themselves) They're not supposed to be here... Maybe he's here to steal our crops... To ruin our party...
Greg Or take off our pumpkin shoes!
Wirt Uh, no... I, uh-
Enoch (chuckling) Now, hold on, everybody. Let's not jump to any conclusions.
Greg Whoa.
Old Pumpkin Man Enoch, what shall we do with them?
Beatrice I- I'm done. (She flies off)
Enoch Now, let's see here, boys. How did you end up in this little town of ours?
Wirt Well, we were trying to get home. We came into town from the woods. Uh, we saw your farms and your houses and thought. "Hey, here's a normal place with normal people."
Greg And we both stepped on pumpkins.
Wirt Yeah, a-and then we heard the music from the barn, and, well, uh- h-how about we just leave?
Enoch Now, let me get this straight- You come to our town, you trample our crops, you interrupt our private engagement, and now you want to leave?
Wirt Uh... yes.
Greg You'll never convict! You have no proof!
Old Pumpkin Man (carries over Beatrice) This one'e trying to escape!
Beatrice Let me go! I don't know these clowns!
Enoch Children, it saddens me that you don't wish to stay here with us, particularly because I simply have to punish you for your transgressions.
Beatrice I told you this place was bad news.
Enoch So, by order of the Pottsfield Chamber of Commerce, I find you guilty of trespassing, destruction of property, disturbing the peace, and murder.
Wirt Murder?
Enoch Oh, no, not murder. But for those other crimes, I sentence you to... a few hours of manual labor.
Wirt Wait, what? Really? That's it?
Montage of Wirt and Greg working in the field, manacled, collecting pumpkins, picking corn. Beatrice looks on disapprovingly. Patient is the Night plays.
Wirt (he and Greg are digging holes) Ha ha! Just a few hours of manual labor, and we're almost done.
Beatrice And then what are you gonna do- just wander around this way and that way through the woods forevermore?
Wirt Uh... uh- maybe we'll just stay here in Pottsfield. It's nice here. (chuckles, sighs) I don't know. I don't know!
Beatrice Why do they even have you digging these holes?
Wirt Planting seeds or something.
Beatrice Maybe they're gonna bury you out here. (Wirt scoffs)
Greg Hey! Buried treasure!
Wirt Whoa! Really? See, Beatrice? What'd you find?
Greg A skeleton!
Wirt Aah! (eerie carnival organ plays) We're digging our own- (gasps) I-I-I was wrong. I was wrong along. I-I don't know how to get us home. Use your little feet to pick our locks!
Beatrice Oho! Now you want my help?
Wirt I don't want your help- (A slow march plays. Enoch is carried through the cornfield to the boys.) Yes, I want your help! Beatrice, serio-
Old Pumpkin Man Your time is up! (The pumpkin people are lined in front of Wirt. Enoch leans forward menacingly)
Wirt Aah!
Old Pumpkin Man Have the holes been dug?
Wirt Uh... yeah...
Old Pumpkin Man Splendid! Well then-
Wirt ...But, no.
Old Pumpkin Man No?
Wirt Uh...
Beatrice Psst! (She is tapping at the manacle with a tiny shovel. Muffled.) Keep stalling!
Wirt Right. Yeah, uh, you know, we were digging, and there were too many rocks. You guys don't like rocks, right?
Pumpkin people (conferring) No, we don't like rocks.
Wirt See? So we were like, "We should get rid of these rocks." (Beatrice hops to Greg's hole to pick his lock)
Pumpkin Man Well, that's a good idea.
Wirt Right? (chuckling) Yeah. (Greg gets up and runs away with Beatrice) So we were getting rid of the rocks and- (he notices they're gone) huh? What? They left me.
Pumpkin man So, what happened to the rocks?
Wirt Uh, the rocks. Yeah, they- they were, um, you know... (a skeleton climbs out of the hole Greg dug) They- they... they got in the way of all the- well, the dirt, you know, and... (he turns and sees the skeleton) W-whoa! Ohh!
Pumpkin people (Walking over to the skeleton) Welcome back, Larry... He looks exactly the same...
Wirt What in the...
Larry puts on a jack-o-lantern and hops into a larger pumpkin, putting on a costume like the others. They cheer him on. A skeleton climbs up next to Wirt, who screams.
Pumpkin Man Edward, this one's for you! (Edward puts on a pumpkin head)
Wirt They're all skeletons.
Pumpkin woman Thanks for digging up the life of the party! (The pumpkin people dance and celebrate)
Enoch What a wonderful harvest. And what about you? You sure you want to leave?
Wirt Me? Yes.
Enoch Oh well. You'll join us someday...
Wirt Uhh...
Beatrice Psst! Why are you still here?
Wirt What do you mean? You guys left me! (Beatrice points to the broken manacles.) Oh.
Beatrice Come on. (They hurry into the forest. Greg is playing with his frog. Wirt runs over.)
Wirt (panting) Are they chasing us?
Greg and Beatrice No.
Wirt (sighs) I thought you guys-
Beatrice You're welcome.
Wirt Thank you. I guess we're even now, huh? You're not honor-bound to help us anymore.
Beatrice (sighs) I wish. But you weren't actually in any danger with those weirdos.
Wirt Oh, yeah! Then you still have to help us get home.
Greg I got it! I wish Wirt Jr. had fingernails so he could play the guitar better.
Beatrice (pause) So... yeah. I'll bring you to Adelaide. I mean, that's where I'm going anyway.
Greg Why are you going to Adelaide's? (They walk off)
Beatrice I guess, in some ways, I'm trying to get home too.
Wirt That's vague. What does that mean?
Beatrice I don't have to tell you anything.
Wirt Well, I sure hope Adelaide is more helpful than that Woodsman was. I think his directions were... not very good. (The wind blows a leaf into a fence, where it sticks in the post.)
End of Episode

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