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Songs of the Dark Lantern (transcript)

[ WIND RUSHING, PASTORAL MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS ]
[ PASTORAL MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
>> STOP!
NO!
[ SHOUTS ]
OH, NO!
THE BEAST IS UPON ME!
[ DUCK QUACKS ]
>> SHH!
>> GREG, IS THERE A BEAST OUT
THERE?
>> MMM...
I FOUND A DUCK.
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE EGGS
FROM A DUCK?
I'M HUNGRY.
>> WHAT ABOUT THE BEAST?
>> THE BEAST IS UPON ME!
>> I DIDN'T SEE ANY BEAST.
THAT DRIVER IS NUTS.
MMM, NUTS.
>> WHEW! WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
>> GOOD?!
THAT CRAZY DRIVER'S TAKING US
WAY OFF COURSE!
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH, WHO KNOWS WHERE WE ARE
BY NOW WITH THAT GUY ACTING ALL
BANANAS.
>> OOH, BANANA NUT DUCK BREAD.
[ LIGHTNING STRIKES ]
>> [ WHINNIES ]
[ ALL SHOUT, DUCKS SQUAWKING ]
>> WHOA-AH!
>> WELL, FINALLY SOME GOOD LUCK.
LET'S GO TO THIS CREEPY TAVERN
AND ASK FOR SOME DIRECTIONS.
>> BUT...
[ LIGHTNING STRIKES ]
[ SIGN CREAKING ]
>> [ NEIGHING, CRYING ]
>> BUT IT'S CREEPY.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO ASK FOR
DIRECTIONS, AND I'LL JUST WAIT
OUT -- NO, WAIT, I-I DON'T WANT
TO BE OUT HERE BY MYSELF.
HOW ABOUT YOU GUYS --
>> JUST GO TO THE TAVERN!
>> OKAY!
BUT YOU ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
>> FINE, YEAH, I'LL DO
EVERYTHING.
>> I'M HUNGRY.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
>> Go on!
>> I-IT'S STUCK.
OH.
[ DOG SPUTTERING ]
E-EXCUSE ME, THERE.
EXCUSE ME.
HMM?
>> [ WHISTLING ]
[ DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
[ WHISTLING CONTINUES ]
[ DOWN-TEMPO MUSIC CONTINUES ]
>> YOU. WAIT. HERE.
I'LL GET SOME FOOD.
>> WELL, AT LEAST IT HAS MUSIC.
>> WELL, HEY, THERE, PEACH POT.
WHATCHA DOING AROUND -- HEY,
WHAT'S THAT BIRD YOU GOT THERE?
>> IT'S A --
>> I AM BEATRICE!
THESE TWO SWEET KIDS AND I GOT A
BIT LOST IN THE -- AAH!
[ GASPS ]
>> NO BIRDS ALLOWED IN MY
TAVERN!
>> NO BIRDS ALLOWED IN YOUR --
>> IT'S A BAD OMEN WHEN A
BLUEBIRD ENTERS THROUGH YOUR
DOOR.
IT'S BAD LUCK!
>> LADY, BLUEBIRDS ARE GOOD
LUCK!
WE BRING JOY AND HAPPINESS TO
THE -- AAH!
>> GOOD LUCK, BAD LUCK -- I
DON'T NEED ANY OF IT!
>> CURSE YOU, LADY! CURSE YOU!
YOU'LL DIE SOMEDAY, AND I'LL
LAUGH -- LAUGH!
[ LAUGHS ]
>> OHH!
>> FORGET THIS. I'M OUT OF HERE.
WIRT, YOU GET DIRECTIONS.
>> W-WAIT, NO.
I-I DON'T WANT TO --
>> JUST DO IT!
>> WHO ARE YOU TWO ANYWAY,
BRINGING BAD LUCK TO MY TAVERN?
>> I'M WIRT, AND THIS IS
GREGORY.
>> [ SNORTS ]
>> AND THAT'S A HORSE!
>> THAT'S GREAT, BUT WHO ARE
YOU?
>> I'M...WIRT.
I'M -- I'M JUST A-A GUY, I-I
GUESS.
UM, W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> WELL, HE'S THE BUTCHER...
>> I'M THE BUTCHER.
>> ...THE BAKER...
>> YEAH!
>> ...THE MIDWIFE...
>> [ COUGHS ]
>> ...THE MASTER AND
APPRENTICE...
THE TAILOR.
>> [ MOANING ]
>> AND I'M THE TAVERN KEEPER.
WHO ARE YOU?!
>> I'M HUNGRY!
>> I-I-I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REALLY LIKE LABELS.
I'M JUST SORT OF, LIKE, MYSELF,
YOU KNOW?
>> MAYBE HE'S SIMPLE.
>> NO, I-I'M JUST [SIGHS] I'M
JUST LOST.
SEE, W-WE'RE TRYING TO GET TO --
>> I'M THE HIGHWAYMAN.
>> OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW.
WELL, SO, YOU SEE --
>> I'M THE HIGHWAYMAN
I MAKE ENDS MEET
JUST LIKE ANY MAN
I WORK WITH MY HANDS
IF YOU CROSS MY PATH
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT
DRAG YOU OFF THE ROAD
STEAL YOUR SHOES FROM OFF YOUR
FEET
I'M THE HIGHWAYMAN
AND I MAKE ENDS MEE-E-E-E-T
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE
IN DISTANCE ]
>> [ SIGHS ] HEY.
>> [ CRUNCHING ]
>> ARE YOU WEARING LIPSTICK?
>> [ SMACKS LIPS, SNORTING ]
>> LA LA LA LA
>> HMM? WHO'S OUT THERE?
>> CHOP THE WOOD TO LIGHT THE
FIRE
>> WHAT KIND OF PERSON GOES OUT
CHOPPING TREES IN THE MIDDLE OF
A THUNDERSTORM AT NIGHT?
>> LIGHT THAT FIERY FIRE
>> WHAT KIND OF A PERSON TALKS
TO A HORSE?
>> [ NEIGHS, LAUGHS ]
>> OOH-AH.
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
>> [ LAUGHING ]
>> HMM.
[ SIGHS ]
>> [ LAUGHING ]
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> HUH?
>> I WAS WONDERING IF YOU KNEW
THE WAY -- UH, I MEAN, I-I'M --
HER NAME IS ADELAIDE, AND --
>> OH, IT'S A GIRL YOU'RE AFTER,
EH?
>> NO! I-I MEAN, YES, BUT --
>> [ LAUGHS ]
OH, YOU'RE NOT THE WITLESS
SIMPLE-MINDED FOOL EVERYBODY
TAKES YOU FOR.
>> EVERYONE THINKS I'M --
>> YOU'RE THE YOUNG LOVER.
>> WHAT? YOUNG LOVER? NO, UH --
>> IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET
WITH THIS ADELAIDE GAL...
>> I-I DON'T. I-I MEAN, I-I --
>> WELL, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
WRITE A LOVING LETTER, BOY
THAT SWOOPS AND SWEEPS AND
CURLS
CALLIGRAPHER'S JUST THE THING
TO HELP YOU WIN YOUR GIRL
THEN YOU'LL NEED TO DRESS UP
SMART
THE TAILOR'S HERE BY CHANCE
HE'LL STITCH YOUR TROUSERS,
HOLE YOUR BELT, IN FINE COUTURE
OF FRANCE
YOUR SHOES, MY GOODNESS, HOW
THEY'RE WORN, BUT YOU'RE TOO
YOUNG TO KNOW
NOTHING COURTS A WOMAN'S SCORN
MORE THAN SCUFFS ON THE TOE
THE COBBLER CAN ATTEND TO
THAT
MEANWHILE, YOU MUST HAVE
CAKE
THE BAKER AND PATISSIER NEED
WORK FOR GOODNESS SAKE
HIGH, DEE, DIDDLY,
UM-DE-DUM-DE-DAY
WHAT A MERRY TIME WE'LL HAVE
UPON YOUR WEDDING DAY
>> WHAT?
>> HIGH, DEE, DIDDLY,
UM-DE-DUM-DE-DAY
THERE'S WORK FOR ALL WHEN
LITTLE BOYS GET MARRIED
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, NO, NO, NO.
Y-YOU GUYS, I-I-I'M NOT GETTING
MARRIED.
I'M JUST TRYING TO FIND --
>> THAT POINTY CONE UPON YOUR
HEAD
>> OH, NO, PLEASE.
>> YOU CAN'T BE WEARING THAT
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC CONTINUES IN
DISTANCE ]
[ THUNDER RUMBLING ]
>> MM. [ SIGHS ]
IF I HAVE TO BE OUTSIDE, THEN
THOSE JOKERS DO, TOO.
>> OH, HEY, BEATRICE!
DO YOU WANT SOME FOOD, TOO?
>> NO.
HOW'S WIRT DOING GETTING
DIRECTIONS?
>> MM, PRETTY GOOD.
>> HIGH, DEE, DIDDLY,
UM-DE-DUM-DE-DAY
WHAT A MERRY TIME WE'LL HAVE
UPON YOUR WEDDING DAY
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> HIGH, DEE, DIDDLY
>> WHAT ABOUT THAT WOODSMAN?
I BET HE KNOWS THESE WOODS
BETTER THAN ANYBODY, HUH?
[ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, HORSE, GOOD RIDDANCE!
>> [ NEIGHS, LAUGHS ]
[ ALL CHEERING ]
>> LOVER!
LOVER!
>> NO, Y-YOU GUYS, ADELAIDE
ISN'T -- I-I'M JUST --
>> YOUNG LOVER, SING US YOUR
LOVE SONG!
>> LOVE SONG?
>> YEAH, LOVER!
SING US YOUR LOVE SONG!
>> NO, I-I-I DON'T HAVE A --
>> All: [ Chanting ] SING,
LOVER, SING!
>> NO.
>> All: SING, LOVER, SING!
>> MIDWIFE, NO. AAH! OHH!
>> All: SING, LOVER, SING!
SING, LOVER, SING!
SING, LOVER, SING!
>> SING, BOY, SING!
>> [ VOCALIZING NERVOUSLY ]
MY NAME IS WIRT, AND HIS NAME
IS GREG
WE'RE RELATED 'CAUSE MY MOM
REMARRIED AND THEN GAVE BIRTH TO
HIM WITH MY STEPDAD
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ SIGHS ]
WE'RE NOT FROM AROUND HERE
CAN YOU ALL GIVE ME
SOME DIRECTIONS TODAY?
SO WE CAN BE ON OUR
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
WA-A-A-Y
>> THIS AIN'T NO LOVE SONG.
>> [ SNIFFLING ]
IT'S A METAPHOR.
[ CRYING ]
>> KEEP IT TOGETHER, TAILOR.
>> HEY!
>> UH, YES?
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!
YOU'RE A PILGRIM!
>> WHAT?
WHAT, LIKE THE -- THE GUYS WHO
EAT TURKEY AND CRANBERRY SAUCE?
>> NO, YOU'RE A PILGRIM!
>> A PILGRIM?
>> YOU'RE A TRAVELER ON A SACRED
JOURNEY.
>> YOU'RE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN
DESTINY.
>> THE HERO OF YOUR OWN STORY!
>> A PILGRIM.
>> TELL US YOUR FEATS, PILGRIM!
WHAT OTHER CHALLENGES HAVE YOU
OVERCOME?
>> REGALE US WITH YOUR TRAVELS,
PILGRIM!
>> ONE TIME, WIRT FELL ON A
GORILLA.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
AND HELPED ME FIND THIS FROG.
[ ALL CHEERING ]
>> MORE! TELL US MORE!
>> TELL US MORE!
LET THE CAT OUT OF THE BAG!
WE WANT TO HEAR IT!
>> AND, OH, UH, I MET THIS
HELPFUL WOODSMAN WHO TOLD US
WHICH DIRECTION TO GO TO AVOID
THE BEAST.
>> All: [ GASP ] THE BEAST!
>> THE BEAST.
>> OH, GOODNESS.
>> OH, YOU GUYS HAVE HEARD OF
THE BEAST, TOO?
>> WE ALL KNOW THE BEAST,
PILGRIM.
HE LURKS OUT THERE IN THE
UNKNOWN
SEEKING THOSE WHO ARE FAR FROM
HOME
HOPING NEVER TO LET YOU
RETURN
>> [ VOCALIZING ]
OOH-OOH, BETTER BEWARE
OOH-OOH, THE BEAST IS OUT
THERE
OOH-OOH, BETTER BE WISE AND
DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES
>> [ VOCALIZING ]
>> FOR ONCE YOUR WILL BEGINS
TO SPOIL
HE'LL TURN YOU TO A TREE OF
OIL
AND USE YOU IN HIS LANTERN FOR
TO BURN
>> [ VOCALIZING ]
>> [ BLOWS ]
>> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! LANTERN?
THE WOODSMAN WAS THE GUY WITH
THE WEIRD LANTERN, NOT THE
BEAST.
>> PILGRIM, HE WHO CARRIES THE
DARK LANTERN MUST BE THE BEAST.
>> WHAT?
NO, THE WOODSMAN'S A GOOD GUY.
HE WARNED US OF THE BEAST AND
TOLD US WHICH DIRECTION TO GO TO
AVOID HIM.
>> AND NOW YOU'RE MORE LOST THAN
EVER, HUH?
>> YEAH, BUT...
OH, YEAH, HEY, CAN YOU GIVE US
SOME DIRECTIONS?
OUR FRIEND BEATRICE IS TRYING TO
TAKE US TO ADELAIDE OF THE
PASTURE, THE GOOD WOMAN OF THE
WOODS.
SHE CAN HELP US GET HOME.
>> YOU DON'T NEED DIRECTIONS,
PILGRIM.
YOU FOLLOW THAT COMPASS INSIDE
YOUR HEART.
>> UH...
NO, I THINK WE NEED DIRECTIONS.
>> AAH!
>> [ GASPS ] BEATRICE!
>> GO SAVE YOUR FRIEND AND GET
YOURSELF HOME!
[ ALL CHEERING, SHOUTING ]
>> PILGRIM!
>> YOU GOT IT!
>> UH...
OKAY.
>> NEVER SAY DIE, NEVER SAY DIE!
[ ALL CHEERING ]
>> OH, BOY, I GUESS I'M REALLY
DOING THIS.
HORSE, I'M JUST GONNA PRETEND
LIKE I CAN RIDE YOU, ALL RIGHT?
[ GRUNTS ]
>> [ NEIGHING ]
>> BEATRICE?!
[ CREATURE HOWLING IN DISTANCE ]
BEATRICE?
[ WIND WHISTLING ]
ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TREES.
>> HALT!
>> [ GASPS ]
>> IT'S YOU!
>> HEY, MR. WOODSMAN!
>> I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THESE
WOODS!
>> [ GASPS ] BEATRICE!
YOU'RE TURNING HER INTO AN
EDELWOOD TREE!
[ GASPS ]
YOU WERE THE BEAST ALL ALONG!
[ BLOWS ]
>> HUH?!
>> [ WHINNYING ]
>> WHOA! HUH?!
WHAT IS THIS?
>> GREG, GET BEATRICE!
[ GRUNTING ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
BOYS, THE BEAST IS UPON YOU!
AGH!
OH!
[ GASPS ]
>> [ NEIGHING ]
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> BEATRICE, YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> YEAH, I JUST -- I SAW A WEIRD
SHADOW AND THEN STUPIDLY FLEW
INTO A TREE AND GOT KNOCKED OUT.
>> OH, WELL, WE'RE ALL RIGHT
NOW.
>> WIRT WAS AMAZING!
HE SANG A SONG, RODE A HORSE,
AND SAVED YOU FROM THE AXE GUY!
HE'S THE PILGRIM!
>> THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD, BUT
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET
DIRECTIONS.
>> I DID.
WE JUST GOT DIRECTIONS FROM FRED
BEFORE YOU WOKE UP.
>> WHO?
>> OH, UH, BEATRICE, MEET FRED
THE HORSE.
>> NICE TO HORSE YOUR
ACQUAINTANCE.
>> YOU CAN TALK?!
>> [ NEIGHS, LAUGHS ]
>> IT SEEMS YOU'RE RUNNING OUT
OF OIL, WOODSMAN.
WHY NOT LET ME TAKE THE LANTERN
FOR AWHILE?
>> BEGONE, BEAST!
I'VE FOUGHT YOU FOR THE LANTERN
BEFORE, AND I'LL FIGHT YOU
AGAIN!
>> NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE,
WOODSMAN, BUT BE SURE TO KEEP IT
LIT, OR YOUR DAUGHTER'S FLAME
WILL GO OUT...
FOREVER.
NOW, WHAT DIRECTION DID THOSE
CHILDREN GO?
>> YOU LEAVE THOSE CHILDREN BE!
>> [ LAUGHING EVILLY ]
>> BEAST!
>> LA LA LA LA
>> BEAST!
>> LA LA LA LA
CHOP THE WOOD TO LIGHT THE
FIRE
[ MYSTERIOUS CLASSICAL PIANO
MUSIC PLAYING ]

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